Conflicts between men and women
CONFLICTS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Most of the conflicts between men and women are results of their different types of perceiving the world around them, and their different kinds of values. Another factor contributing to the ”war of the sexes” are the different ways of approaching stress and conflicts. Nevertheless the gap between the sexes is widened by the roles men and women were forced in during the centuries. In the last century´s the women's movement was born and had its first successes for which they had fought for a long time. This progress made some men afraid of losing their ”male power” and still there are voices (even nowadays) that claim women should stay at home, be perfect housewifes and nothing else.But fortunately the women's movement caused a new way of thinking not only with women but also with men.
No matter if men and women are seen as equal partners in law and society, there are differences that have to be considered to understand the reasons for often recurring conflicts and maybe find solutions for yourself in everyday situations.
THE WAY A MAN SEES THE WORLD
A man's values are power, competency, efficiency and achievement. He does things to prove himself and to develop his skills and talents. His sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, a man experiences fullfilment through success and accomplishment.
A man's dress is designed to reflect skills and he is therefore more likely to wear uniforms like hats and suits. A man is more interested in "objects" and "things", they are preoccupied with things that can help them express power by creating results and achieving goals.
When a man achieves a goal he proves his competence, and so he feels good about himself. But this goal must be achieved by himself, no one can do that for him. His autonomy is a symbol for efficiency, power and competence. Men resist being corrected or being told what to do because it makes them feel like they don't know
what to do, how to do it, or worse, that they are unable to do it. The issue of competence is of very great importance to men. That's why a man rarely talks about a problem unless he needs expert advice.
Asking for help is a sign of weakness, especially when a man could solve the problem without any help.He thinks: 'Why should I involve someone else if I can do it by myself ?' But this way of thinking isn't always used; if a man truly needs help it is a sign of wisdom to get it. lf a man talks about a problem it is an invitation for advice. lf a woman tells a man about her problems he wants to feel better by solving her problems, he wants to be useful to her. When a man experiences stress he never talks about his problem. He prefers to isolate himself, to go to his cave to think about a solution.
After finding one he feels better and comes out of his cave.If he can't find a solution he tries to find something that makes him forget his worries, like reading the newspaper or watching TV. lf a man is in a relationship he sometimes may need to pull away. lf he does that it is not necessarily because the woman has hurt his feelings but because he feels he must fullfill his needs of autonomy and independence.When he has fully separated himself he will suddenly feel his need for love and intimacy again. Wben a man "comes back“ he picks up the relationship at any degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away.
He doesn't need any period of getting reacquainted again. When a man feels challenged he becomes focused on being right and he isn't loving and caring anymore. This is expressed in his voice when he talks, but he isn't aware of how hurtful this tone may sound to his partner.
This brings us to
THE WAY A WOMAN SEES THE WORLD
A woman's values are love, communication, beauty and relationships.Women spend a lot of time on supporting, helping and nurturing one another. Her sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.
She experiences fullfilment through sharing and relating. Women are mostly concerned with living together in harmony,
community and loving cooperation. To women relationships are more worth than work and technology. In most ways a woman's world is the opposite of a man's world. A woman's dress is designed to reflect her feelings and to express her personality, those two factors are of great importance, as well as communication is of primary importance to a woman.
Men can feel the fullfilment from talking, relating, nurturing,.
....., if he compares it to his feelings when he wins a race, achieves an aim or solves a problem.
Women's restaurant talk can be very open like the relationship between a therapist and the patient.
Women are interested in everything that can nurture life, in healing and in growth. They are intuitive, this skill has been developed through anticipating the needs of others. lt is a sign of great love if a woman offers help and her assistance without being asked. Offering help isn't offensive to them, needing help isn't a sign of weakness because proving competence is not important to women.
lf a woman suffers from stress she finds relief in talking in great detail about her problem to someone she really trusts.
When a woman is loved her selfesteem rises and falls in a wave motion. If she is feeling really good she will reach a peak, but after a sudden change of mood the wave will crash down. When a woman's wave is on the rise she will feel she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she will feel her inner emptiness and need to be filled up with love.If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving then she will experience those negative feelings and unfullfilled needs. During this period she needs even more to talk and to feel she is being understood. She experiences feelings of hopelessness, and thinks she is alone or unsupported.
Soon after she has reached the bottom she will start feeling better, if she is loved and suppported.
A woman's ability to give and receive love is a reflection of how she is feeling inside; when she doesn't feel as good about herself she also isn't able to be as appreciate and accepting on her partner.
When a woman feels challenged her voice becomes mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is hurtful to her partner.
TYPICAL BEHAVIOUR THAT CAN LEAD TO CONFLICTS
* If a woman is offered help she feels loved and cherished, when a man is offered help he feels incompetent and unloved.
For a man offering advice is the ultimate insult, especially when he hasn't asked for it.
He thinks: “If I can't be trusted to do small things, how can I be trusted to do bigger things?“
* Women want to improve things when they care about someone.Then they freely point out what can be improved and also suggest how it can be improved. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.
Men want things to stay the same when they see that it works out. Their motto is: "Don't fix it unless it is broken“
* Women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily get solutions. A woman doesn't want her partner to solve her problems.
She feels better if she just talks about it, this brings her relief and fullfilment. But when a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competency is being questioned.
* When a man is stressed he will withdraw himself and focus on one problem and so he loses awareness of everything else. At those times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention she normally receives. She must suppose that he doesn't care about her any more because he isn't talking to her.
* Men and women talk different languages; women often use superlatives, metaphors and generalizations.
Men take this way of speaking literally and so often misunderstand what she wants to say. Women express the way they feel when they talk, while when a man talks he wants to convey facts and information.
* When a man pulls away in his relationship his partner may think she has done something wrong and, instead of giving him the time he needs, runs after him. That will make him distance himself and because of his escaping he will never feel his own longing for love and so never will “come back“.
* When a woman is on the bottom of “her wave“ her partner mistakenly supposes that the change of her mood is because of his behaviour. When she is happy he appreciates it, but when she seems to be unhappy he feels responsible.
He will become frustrated because he doesn't know how to make her feel better.
* Arguments are not hurtful because of what is said but how it is said.
When a man feels attacked his voice becomes uncaring and because of that undertone in his voice his partner gets resistant and doesn't get what he wanted to say even when she would otherwise understand it.
When a woman feels attacked her voice becomes mistrusting and rejecting. This hurts her partner's feelings. In an argument women often neglect to dress their negative feelings with feelings of trust and acceptance and as an result their partners respond negatively.
THE GENDER DIVIDE
What really distinguishes girls from boys is what they choose to do and not what they are capable of doing. This starts in the playgroup, girls and boys of that age have already developed ideas of what a girl should do and what a boy should do. Girls play quiet games where they play the “grand lady“, boys race around and play to be someone else. Girls perform as well as boys but they ask more often when they are not sure. They are regarded as less confident and boys are generally regarded to perform better.
When girls perform as well as boys adults are more likely to say that that is just good luck.
The women's emancipation movement has aroused criticism on the male side. Some men claim that equality must be cut both ways. Although
women still don't have exactly the same rights, some men see themselves as discriminated. Therefore they take examples like woman's hour on radio or women-only library tables. Another thing that bothers men are the ways men are presented in advertisements. They often feature men as foolish, just
to appeal to women.
But sometimes men are really handicapped for example unmarried fathers. They are not allowed to take their children on a holiday abroad without the mother's permission because they can't apply for a passport without her permission.
If a man wants to divorce he has got a 50/50 chance of divorcing, losing the custody of his children and paying alimonies.
lf a woman wants to divorce it is almost certain that she`ll keep her children, she has a 1 in 3 chance of losing her home and a 50/50 chance that she`ll benefit by receiving alimonies.
RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN IN FILMS AND BOOKS
When a man loves a woman
Michael and Alice Green are married and seem to lead a perfect life. They have two daughters but the older girl isn't Michaels true child.
Michael works as a pilot and isn't very often at home so he is the last to notice that Alice is an alcoholic. Their older daughter Jessie is the first to know what's up with her mother and when Alice breaks down because of taking pills with alcohol Jessie is the one who informs Michael. After this Alice accepts that she needs help and so she is going to make a withdrawal cure. During her stay in the hospital she finds real friends to whom she can talk and so she is
afraid to leave because she doesn't know what waits for her outside and she also doesn't want to disappoint Michael. When Michael and Alice try to make up a life together they often quarrel and both have to find out that
they haven't talked about a lot of things. To solve their problems they even consult a psychologist but all these things don't seem to help and so they decide to separate.
During this period of separation Alice finds out that she can lead a life on her own and that she is strong although her mother always made her feel like nothing and she often felt ashamed and humiliated in her marriage. While Alice is improving her life Michael becomes aware that his behaviour may have contributed to Alice's addiction.
When a man loves a woman by Patrick Augustus
The main character isCampbell Clarke, a black who grew up poor. He searches for the one great love and he is sure he has found it in Dionne Owens, the daughter of Valerie Owens who orders cars from the driving service Campbell works for. He is truly in love with Dionne but he is also aware of the difficulties a relationship could bring because of the big differences of their classes.
Despite all doubts they go out, better said they make a date for going out.
But one of Campbell's fiiends is killed on that day and so Campbell decides to go to a demonstration against the violence the police used. Dionne waits for him at home, she has even cooked dinner for him, which shows that she must really be interested in Campbell. As he doesn't show up she's quite disappointed. Her ex-boyfriend comes to visit her that evening and asks her to marry him. She goes with him and becomes his wife while Campbell is arrested for taking part in the demonstration.
Dionne becomes the nice housewife with two children and has even given up living in the city for her husband Michael.
It takes her five years in which she gets everyday more unsatisfied with her life to find out that she doesn't love her husband and so she starts an affair. Her husband feels the same
way and he also starts betraying Dionne. When one day Michael's lover calls and tells Dionne that she's pregnant, Dionne takes her children and leaves Michael.
In those five years Campbell became a very successful businessman, but he still is in love with Dionne.He writes cards and letters, which she always answers and so they stay friends. On the night of Dionne's divorce he is determined not to miss any more chance
My own opinion:
In this book it is wonderfully shown how a marriage can break up because the partners aren't able to communicate and tell the other what they really want or how they feel.
Dionne has great luck she has found the ideal
partner in Capbell who tries to understand her and just listens to what she has to say.
Kramer versus Kramer
Ted and Joanne Kramer have been married for seven years. When Joanne suddenly leaves their son Billy is six years old. The reason for her leaving is that she can't stand any longer being only a mother and housewife.
So Ted is suddenly confronted with an entirely new situation, he has to learn a lot. He and Billy have to build up a life together on their own and it takes them some time.
Ted has a lot of difficulties to get closer to his son but after he has leamed that his son is much more important than his career he starts taking over responsibility for his now seven year old son.
After one year and a half Joanne is back and wants her son back. Ted, who now knows how wonderful it is to have his son and to take care for him, doesn't want to lose Billy again and so they start fighting for their son at court.
Joanna had to leave because she had worked before she got married and whenever she mentioned in front of Ted that she wanted to work again he just didn't listen to her.
She had to find something in her life to make her feel like a full person. She also thought that it was her fault that the marriage failed and so she went to a psychologist.
When Joanna is back and claims that she wants the custody for Billy, Ted is dismissed because he had neglected his job in favour of Billy. Ted has to get a new job because if he was unemployed his chances at court would be even worse. He gets a job that is less paid and not only because of that does the judge see Joanna as the “better“ parent and Ted finally loses the custody for Billy.
Joanna realizes that Billy is happy at home with his dad and so she lets him stay at his father's.
My own opinion:
This film treats how couples often fight for the children after a divorce, but it also shows how partners tend to isolate themselves in a relationship by not talking to the other anymore.
Ted has always been too busy in his career to realize the needs of his wife and that she feels very unhappy.
Joanna has failed because she has given up her relationship and ran away instead of confronting Ted and herself with their problems. Although there's no chance for Joanna and Ted to come together again both have learnt a lot during this one year and a half about themselves and their relationship. This gives them a chance to lead a better life.
When Harry met Sally
When Harry and Sally meet for the first time they don`t like each other. Ten years later they meet each other again and become very close friends, best
friends. They are both able to talk to the other in a way they can't to their friends of the same sex.
Harry once says to a friend that he can talk to Sally about everything and gets the female perspective without having to consider that bis behaviour has got to impress her.
They are very close despite Harry's opinion. “Men and women can't be friends because sex always comes between them“.
For a year their “only"-friendship works out but then one night they find themselves in bed together and they sleep with each other. This sets an end to their wonderful friendship, but it also opens their eyes to see that they are in love with each other. Their love has grown out of friendship and in the end they marry.
My own opinion:
Harry and Sally start their relationship as friends and so they only concentrate on talking and listening to each other as friends normally do. It
is very hard to say when their amicable feelings turn into love. Perhaps they have loved each other since they met for the first time, but have not realized it.
Comparings of the films and books
In the film “When Harry met Sally“ and in the book “When a man loves a woman“ the emphasis is set on the development of a relationship at first as friends and after a long period finally as lovers. In both cases the relationships can be considered to be longlasting ones, because of the friendship they have had before they know the needs and wishes of the others and they also have learned to listen without trying to solve the other's problems. Many relationships break down because of the mutual disability to accept the wishes and needs of the partner as well as the fact that people often don't talk about what frustrates them or frightens them.
They become frustrated when their partners can't read their thoughts and can't help them
to improve their mood. The result of non working communication is easily seen in the films “When a man loves a woman“ and “Kramer versus Kramer“.
In both cases the couples split and in both cases it wouldn't have been necessary to separate.
Ted and Joanna Kramer know that it wouldn't work if they tried it again, but they do their best to stay in contact and to give their son what he needs; a mother and a father. But if Ted hadn't concentrated that much on his career and spent more time with his family, and if Joanna had told her husband that she was unhappy being only a mother and housewife maybe their marriage had lasted.
It is the same with Alice and Michael in “When a man loves a woman“.
Michael is very concentrated on his career as a pilot and so he is the last who notices that his wife Alice is an alcoholic. At first they both seem to solve Alice's problem but in the course of the film you learn that it isn't only Alice's but also Michael's problem. After a long process of learning and a lot of quarrels the two decide to separate. Only when Michael learns to accept
his own fault and really is ready to help his wife he and Alice can start a life again-together.
In my opinion it is very important that Partners don't give up if there occur any problems that might seem too big to be solved. A relationship should also be flexible and it should develop in the same speed as the people involved in the relationship.
As it is shown in the book “When a man loves a woman“ in Dionne's marriage with Michael and in “Kramer versus Kramer“; Dionne is at first very happily married because in the beginning she's able to suppress her own wishes just to be able to be the wonderful little housewife and mother. In the course of her marriage she can't suppress these feelings any longer and she gets frustrated. Because of this frustration and her husband who doesn't seem to care for her any more she starts an affair. In this affair she begins to
feel desired and beautiful and as a full personality. Michael and Dionne missed the point when they could have rescued their marriage. The only way out is a divorce it seerns.
With Ted and Joanna it is very similar; Joanna left because she felt trapped in her marriage. Ted wasn't a great help because he was too concerned with his career and when he came home late in the evening he felt like everything else but to talk with his wife about her wish to start working again. Because of all the responsibility Ted had suddenly, became a differentt person, who set his priorities in a new way.
It is important for every relationship to be aware that nothing can be taken for granted. Partners may forgive some mistakes and say nothing, but if many factors contribute it often ends in a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings. The best recipe may only be to tolerate the partner's mistakes but also to tell if something really bothers you, not to suppress any negative feelings and to listen to your partner and be there for him or her.
Because after all men are different from women and women are different from men.
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